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  • Oh, and let’s be prepared for 12/22/2012
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    Archive for December, 2009

    Homicidal Homeopaths!

    Saturday, December 26th, 2009

    I’ve had it with homeopaths.

    The one group of people who could fix all the world’s problems, but, do they?

    Noooooooooo.

    How dare they hoard their knowledge and mastery over the world in exchange for the selfish act of earning a living and supporting their families?

    Look, I like being able to pay the rent as much as the next guy/gal, but if I could cure all the world’s ills with a couple of simple day trips, I’d sacrifice my livelihood in exchange for utopia. Wouldn’t you?

    Of course you would.

    But once again, as I go to my tap for a glass of water, I’m reminded of the callous arrogance of the community of practitioners of Samuel Hahnemann’s art.

    Because, if it were me, and I were a homeopath, and I knew homeopathic treatments became stronger the more you diluted them, I would take my entire arsenal of homeopathic medicines, get in my car, drive to the city’s reservoir, and dump them all in!

    Then, I’d whip around the rez in my speedboat to make sure that 1 milliliter of already hyper-diluted substance imprints the entire body of water with its energetic memory (clearly more powerful than the imprint of the gas from my motor), so that everyone who partakes in a sip of municipal H2O would receive the healing powers.

    “Hold on!,” some of you might complain, “The homeopath picks JUST THE RIGHT medicine for your specific condition! You can’t go dumping everything in at once?!”

    Okay, I’ll grant you a flaw in my original plan.

    But that will merely highlight the level of my altruism and the greediness of my homeopathic peers (if, I were a homeopath and, therefore, had peers, that is).

    See, I’d be willing to start with only one remedy, and let the people who have that matching illness recover, as if by magic. And then I’d go out to the reservoir every month, or every week, or every day, until I had exhausted my collection of treatments and my entire stash of medicines was exhausted.

    And, when the mainstream medical community was out of work (other than for things like setting broken bones), I’d spearhead the movement for homeopaths around the world to do the same for their communities, bringing true healing of the root causes, and ending the oppressive conspiracy of Western medicine once and for all.

    Finally…

    Oh, wait…

    I just realized the fatal error in my thinking, and perhaps now understand the psychic pain that homeopaths must endure every day of their live, knowing that they could cure all beings by following my subversive method, were it not for this:

    By diluting the treatments THAT much, so that the odds of finding even one molecule of the original substance in the entire reservoir is absolutely zero, the treatments would become too powerful for all but denizens of Krypton to tolerate.

    98-pound positive thinking weaklings

    Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

    I’m confused.

    If positive thinking is supposed to be so powerful that it can bend the molecules of the universe to its will, magnetize money, eradicate disease, overpower anyone else who wants the same thing you do, and otherwise exert more control over the external world than all other forces combined…

    Then why is it such a wimp in the face of “negativity?”

    Why is saying to a positive thinker, “You’re a delusional narcissist” kryptonite to positivity’s Superman?

    If being positive is so uplifting that it gets you a better job, improves all your relationships, and alters your physiology to make you impervious to anything shy of a nuclear bomb suppository, then why do you need to protect it like the Bubble Boy in a Swine Flu farm by running away from anyone who might brush up against your rosy attitude?

    Positivity, it seems, is the 98-pound weakling at the beach.

    Well, no more!

    Now you can get my new positivity training program, Positively Positive, a Charles Atlas-like course for positive thinking wimps.

    No longer will the Negativity Bully kick sand in your face and embarrass you and your scrawny, sunken-chested positivity!

    In just 2.3 seconds a day, in the comfort of your home, you’ll use Dynamic at-Tension and build negativity armor arms, positively powerful pecs, LOA legs, and back that looks like a giant V for visualization!

    You’ll go back to the beach and punch that bully in the face (metaphorically, since you’ll use Non-Violent Communication), and prove to your Indigo Child girlfriend that you really are on the Hero’s Journey!

    It’s guaranteed!

    If, in just 30 days, you’re not radiating so many positive vibes that the Dalai Lama calls and asks you to tone it down, you’ll get all your money back, plus all the money AIG got in the government bailout.

    Order today by calling the phone number on the next line (which can only be seen if you’re not too full of negativity to render useless even this Quantum Physics proven program):




     

     

     

     

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