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    Archive for the 'Gurus' Category

    Start watching TV, Maitreya is coming, Maitreya is coming!

    Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

    Over the last few weeks, there have been full-page ads in our local paper, The Daily Camera, announcing that Maitreya, the One World Healer, the World Teacher, the Messiah, the returning Christ (sorry for any confusion, all of the previous are referring to the same dude), will soon be back on earth and, even better, appearing on TV.

    I hope he comes back on basic cable and not Pay-Per-View.

    I was so excited to read that “The fifth Buddha, Krishna, the Imam Mahdi” (yes, still all about the same guy), was coming back soon, because I totally forgot he was on the way… after I first heard he would soon be here THIRTY YEARS AGO!

    Yup, I first read that we were entering this new age and that Maitreya would be appearing at a mall near you back in 79… but that was, apparently twenty years after the FIRST announcement that Maitreya was going to be here soon.

    Why is it that in “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” it only took 3 instances of the boy crying wolf before nobody listened to him, but the man who cried messiah is still getting attention after fifty years?

    You’d figure after the fourth or fifth time he was a no-show, it would be hard to keep selling tickets to the concert, but, nope, somehow there’s enough cash in the coffers for a newspaper ad campaign.¬† I’m betting the people financing the announcement of his return are hoping that, when he comes back, he also announces, “By the way, I made a brief stop here back in ’83 and bought me a boatload of Microsoft stock… so let me reimburse you for all the ad spending. Oh, and my apologies for missing all those other times I said I was going to be here; I may be the World Healer, but I’m HORRIBLE with my day-timer!”

    And if this is truly the messiah, the World Teacher, the most ascended of the ascended masters, why is he making his appearance on television?

    Come on, people, it’s the 00’s… announcing your existence on television is so 90’s. Why isn’t the all-knowing one online?

    I won’t believe he’s actually here until he’s got a Facebook profile (if he’s on Myspace, you know he’s not the real savior), or he sends me an eCard with cutesy animated animals singing about his arrival with helium-flavored voices. I’m a skeptic about Maitreya’s existence on the Earth until there’s a Youtube video of him falling off a skateboard and smashing his nuts on a stairway handrail.

    Hey don’t get me wrong, I totally believe Maitreya is on the way. I mean who wouldn’t after encountering the logic that his gang uses:

    Every religion has a belief in the return of their leader, so it doesn’t matter what name you call him, he IS coming back.

    Can you say, “Huh?”

    This is a variation of the logic used to “prove” the existence of God (and, please, I’m not going to argue about whether God exists… I’m just going to mangle this crappy bit of “logic” for now): Well, every culture and religion believes in a creator being so, clearly, there must be one!

    Umm… not really.

    Everybody used to believe the Earth was flat, but that didn’t allow people to fall off the edge. If everyone suddenly believed that Brittney Spears was mentally stable or that Donald Trump had normal hair, I still wouldn’t want Brittney to coif The Donald.

    Ah, but who am I to demand solid rhetoric from people who have — did I mention this — continued to believe the same story for 50 years in the face of repeated lack of evidence?

    I must say, I’m fascinated with all the myriad ways we imagine a utopian future:

    • Returning messiah
    • Enlightenment (or any imagined future where we suffer no human ills)
    • Living happily ever after when you meet THE ONE (and I don’t mean Keanu Reeves)
    • Winning the lottery and never having to say, “I can’t afford it”

    I think I’ve figured out the math on how we get to these fantastical future beliefs:

    1. The mind’s job is to try to guess what will make us happy in the future (it seems to forget how bad it is at that job, how it’s rarely been right in the past, and how nobody who has gotten what we want has attained the happiness we think we will get from it… but, anyway…)
    2. When we imagine something, we can simultaneously get a “feeling of knowing” (again, let’s discount how often our feeling of knowing is completely wrong — remember the last time you KNEW that you left your keys in that place they weren’t?)
    3. Eventually, someone stumbles on the thought that the returning savior MUST be coming soon
    4. And it MUST be true, because, well, look how good and right it feels when we think about it!
    5. And then the full-page ads, 1-day workshops, best-selling “prophetic” books, and appearances on Oprah begin.

    All I can say is I’m glad I have my DVR set to record every one of the 500+ channels I receive, 24 hours a day, because I sure don’t want to miss the moment he interrupts an episode of Days of Our Lives to announce, “I’m ba-a-ack!”

    You can have ANYTHING you want… NOT!

    Friday, March 28th, 2008

    I’ve tried, I’ve really tried.

    I’ve tried to be removed from every mailing list that sends me emails which make me scream. I’ve even set up filters to automatically trash email that comes in with subject lines that make my blood turn into liquid nitrogen at room temperature (a.k.a. “boil”).

    But, like messages that will allow me to get a mortgage that’s cheap enough so I can afford a house big enough to hold my gigantic new “manhood”, with a spare room for all the herbal V1agyra I’ll need to use it, somehow a few “You can have/manifest/attract anything you want” emails make it into my inbox every day.

    Yes, every day.

    There are so many people pitching this idea that, despite my best efforts, I get 3 or 4 emails assuring me that the universe is just a big Sears catalog waiting for my telepathic order, that “SCIENCE” has proven we are put on this planet to be abundant (if , instead of “so wealthy you would pick up that tab at a lunch with Bill Gates and Warren Buffet,” you’ve defined “abundant” as “obese”, then a trip to the mall actually supports this position), or that once you know the way rich people think differently than you, you too will become skinny and tanned and spend all your time posing next to your imported Italian sports car or laughing in the wind while steering your new yacht.

    The problem with this message is that it’s so compelling, it plays so well into our 100,000 year-old “how do I get what I want” brain, that when we hear someone suggest that it’s true and that they can teach us how to do it, we turn off our rational thinking process faster than we’d turn off a movie that advertises “Starring Paris Hilton!”

    We ignore that we’ve never met or even heard of one human being who has “gotten everything they wanted.” (And that the ones who have seemingly come closer than we have aren’t really much happier.)

    We don’t notice that the teachers themselves seem to want more and more and more… and apparently include in their list of wants: divorces, bankruptcies, children they barely see, and critics who think they’re morons.

    And then we reach for our wallets when the teacher tells us the price for this incredible (literally) knowledge of how to do what has never been done.

    I have only one message to pass along to the “You can have everything you want” teachers:

    Call me when you have cancer

    That’s my provocative way of saying, “No, you can’t.”

    There are times where we get what we want, and times where we get what we don’t want. There are times where we don’t get what we want, and times where we get things we never imagined.

    I don’t care how much I want to be the richest man in the world, the way that occurs require the confluence of so many factors that are beyond my control, it ain’t gonna happen. Hell, I could win Powerball every week and STILL not crack the top 10 in the Forbes 100 Richest People list.

    It doesn’t matter how much I want to be the greatest golfer in the universe, there’s only one Tiger Woods, and even the people who are #2 and #3 behind him, who practice all day long just to beat him… well, they aren’t Tiger Woods either.

    But back to the cancer thing.

    This whole effort to try to get what we want, to get what we think will make us happy, seems like it’s just a way to pretend we aren’t going to die… something that most people REALLY don’t want. And, I’m not sure if these teachers have noticed but, so far, everyone who has ever really wanted to live… has died. But only every one of them.

    At some point, nature will be stronger than anything we to do bend it in our favor.

    So, to the “you can have everything you want” teachers: call me when you realize that you’re on the losing side of that game… let me know how your visualizing, vibration raising, goal-focusing, universe-requesting, unproven treatment-taking — but HIGHLY PROFITABLE — magical thinking is working for you.

    Personally, I now know too many people whose last days were made miserable by their continued efforts to get something they wanted — more days — when there wasn’t any one or any thing that cared about their wants.

    I can only hope that in the end you can enjoy the truly magical thing about the universe, that it’s WAY beyond our ability to comprehend, let alone control.

    And now, please excuse me while I Feng Shui my office in an attempt to repel these unwanted emails.





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