Homicidal Homeopaths!

I’ve had it with homeopaths.

The one group of people who could fix all the world’s problems, but, do they?

Noooooooooo.

How dare they hoard their knowledge and mastery over the world in exchange for the selfish act of earning a living and supporting their families?

Look, I like being able to pay the rent as much as the next guy/gal, but if I could cure all the world’s ills with a couple of simple day trips, I’d sacrifice my livelihood in exchange for utopia. Wouldn’t you?

Of course you would.

But once again, as I go to my tap for a glass of water, I’m reminded of the callous arrogance of the community of practitioners of Samuel Hahnemann’s art.

Because, if it were me, and I were a homeopath, and I knew homeopathic treatments became stronger the more you diluted them, I would take my entire arsenal of homeopathic medicines, get in my car, drive to the city’s reservoir, and dump them all in!

Then, I’d whip around the rez in my speedboat to make sure that 1 milliliter of already hyper-diluted substance imprints the entire body of water with its energetic memory (clearly more powerful than the imprint of the gas from my motor), so that everyone who partakes in a sip of municipal H2O would receive the healing powers.

“Hold on!,” some of you might complain, “The homeopath picks JUST THE RIGHT medicine for your specific condition! You can’t go dumping everything in at once?!”

Okay, I’ll grant you a flaw in my original plan.

But that will merely highlight the level of my altruism and the greediness of my homeopathic peers (if, I were a homeopath and, therefore, had peers, that is).

See, I’d be willing to start with only one remedy, and let the people who have that matching illness recover, as if by magic. And then I’d go out to the reservoir every month, or every week, or every day, until I had exhausted my collection of treatments and my entire stash of medicines was exhausted.

And, when the mainstream medical community was out of work (other than for things like setting broken bones), I’d spearhead the movement for homeopaths around the world to do the same for their communities, bringing true healing of the root causes, and ending the oppressive conspiracy of Western medicine once and for all.

Finally…

Oh, wait…

I just realized the fatal error in my thinking, and perhaps now understand the psychic pain that homeopaths must endure every day of their live, knowing that they could cure all beings by following my subversive method, were it not for this:

By diluting the treatments THAT much, so that the odds of finding even one molecule of the original substance in the entire reservoir is absolutely zero, the treatments would become too powerful for all but denizens of Krypton to tolerate.