Attractive ways to attract attraction-attracting attractiveness
It’s getting worse.
When I last wrote about “attraction,” I was getting maybe 3-4 emails a week telling me how I could attract whatever it was I wanted — sex, money, sexy money.
Now it’s 3-4 per DAY.
Clearly, I’m attracting these emails. Otherwise why would they show up in my inbox?
It must be that there’s something about me — my vibration, or my past lives, or the frequency of the universe that resonates with the clockwise curl in the hair on the left side of my head — that attracts these emails to my inbox (which then attracts a vein-curdling contraction throughout my body and the need to hold back my rising bile).
It MUST be about attraction… because, it couldn’t be because I subscribed to all those damn email lists from a-holes who know that “attraction” sells!
It’s like every copywriter and his third-cousin-twice-removed has gotten on the attraction bandwagon. And I’m sure they’re kicking themselves for not having done it sooner.
I’ll bet there were copywriting brainstorming meetings (either in actual groups, or just in the minds of solo copywriters) that sounded like:
BOB: “Okay, gang, we’re trying to communicate that our latest ‘How to make money while curled in the fetal position under the stairs and wearing ladies underwear’ product is simple to use… should we say that it only takes an hour a day?”
TIM: “Hmmm… that’s over 5… or 6… or… well, that’s a lot of hours per week, don’t you think?”
BOB: “Yeah, you’re right… how ’bout showing a paralyzed chimp making money with the system?”
HANK: “Nah, then people will think they’re buying a monkey instead of a set of poorly produced tapes and unintelligable Xeroxed manuals.”
DAN: “OH! OH! OH!”
BOB: “No, Dan, monkeys go UUH! UUH! UUH!”
DAN: “Ignoring that chimps are primates and not monkeys, I was making that noise because I thought of something awesome — instead of telling people they have to DO anything, like apply any effort out in the real world — why not tell them that their very being will ATTRACT what they want!?!?”
BOB: “You mean like human magnets?”
DAN: “Yeah, something like that. I don’t know the specifics yet. But that doesn’t matter. Just tell people they don’t have to actually do anything and then, when they don’t get results, we can sell them the SUPER ATTRACTION course!”
BOB: “I don’t know Dan. In advertising, we work on the assumption that humans are easy-to-manipulate idiots, but your idea means we have to believe they’re drool-swilling, amoeba-brained, complete and total morons. I don’t think even I can go that far.”
TIM: “UUH! UUH!”
BOB: “You have another idea, Tim.”
TIM: “Huh? No. I was making monkey noises.”
And so Dan went off and started his own advertising agency and, by merely “putting it out to the universe,” he attracted clients who were willing to tell people that getting results happens because you attract them, rather than going out and producing results by taking action.”
And the rest, as they say… is the history of my email inbox.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:38 am
How did you know about the monkey noises. Has my wife been confiding in you?
Tim
September 5th, 2008 at 4:50 am
You said it yourself, you signed up to those email lists so subconsciously, cosmically, unconsciously you must have wanted this tidal wave of crap to deluge your inbox. The universe is simply doing your bidding and giving you what you want–a tidal wave of crap.
It has long puzzled me why we do the very weird things we do; at the age of 55 I have concluded that the answer is—wait for it—cue astounding revelation that remakes the world in a new light— terminal boredom.
Once the bare survival issues are taken care of, i.e. food, water, shelter, we are all presented with the conundrum of how to fill the time between now and our death–we have to find some way of entertaining ourselves, keeping our minds occupied.
I had some early cues to this astounding insight when I took up skydiving as a cure for chronic depression in my early twenties. I was aware on some level that this was a kind of deathwish, some sort of challenge to the universe, like challenging god to send a thunderbolt if I transgressed but it did give me an entertaining few years, something to talk about, it impressed the hell out of my contemporaries and it certainly sorted out my depression.(This is not a recommendation–I am not a medical person, nor do I play one on TV)
I think that you should be profoundly grateful to the universe and to all those purveyors of this tidal wave of attraction crap for providing you with something to get annoyed about–getting annoyed can be a very useful distraction from terminal boredom–and something to write about as well. Just keep your wallet closed.
Now what do I do next to counter this pesky terminal boredom?
September 5th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Steve, you’re being way too negative.
Here’s a simple experiment to prove to you that the Law of Attraction works, once and for all. Make a mental image of yourself sitting at your desk. Have the mental image of yourself using the Law of Attraction to attract $1,000,000 in small, unmarked bills. And in the mental image, have yourself failing. So bills arrive.
So what we’re doing here is testing the Law of Attraction by simply using it to attract the failure of the Law of Attraction.
Now either you’ll get $1,000,000 or you won’t. Either way, my friend, the Law of Attraction works! You’ve been trumped, my friend!
September 5th, 2008 at 10:48 am
The last sentence of paragraph 1 of the prior post should read: “So no bills arrive.” I omitted the word “no” when I typed it. (Attracting the absence of “No”. How profound is THAT?)
September 5th, 2008 at 10:53 am
At first, Stever, I thought you were trying to apply reverse-psychology to the universe.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Babe,
Could it just be that this blog is attracting them? They find your email there? Or their bots do? And because it has referenced LoA (Lack of Attraction) and TS (Tough Sh*t) something or someone grabs your email address?
~ Stacy