Add this to my 11 year history of alien abduction

Must be something I ate, ’cause I’m still on a writin’ roll (and using lot’s o’ apostrophes).

I have a flyer that I got 25 years ago. It was for some transformational workshop. I can’t tell you what it was for because “have” means that it’s packed away in a box with other stuff I’ve been moving from place to place for the better part of 3 decades.

But the content of the workshop isn’t the important part. What is important is the content of the presenter’s curriculum vitae (which is Latin for “you done what? when?”).

His claim to fame, his demonstration of mastery, the shingle he hung to prove his value as a presenter of psychological power tools and transformational whatnots was… drumroll please…

An 11 year history of alien abduction.

The reason I kept his flyer was as a reminder that PT Barnum was underestimating humanity when it comes to the birthrate of suckers.

Not only did this guy think his now-35+ year history of playing with the Pleadians was worthy of veneration, but, more importantly, people who agreed would shell out money to hear what information he received through the repeated application of the anal probe.

So, what got me on this rant?

An email I received from a “transformational” teacher who will remain nameless so as not to give him any money-making publicity, but which I’ll be saving along with alien-boy’s workshop info.

This email used demonstrated the oft-overused technique of misrepresenting science to support ludicrous mumbo-jumbo theories that, once believed by the critically-unthinking, result in a transfer of dollars from  the wallets of those who so desperately want more money, to the bank accounts of those who claim they have transcended the desire for it.

Here’s just a sample (it’ll be hard for me to comment on it, it’s so absurd):

You may have even seen a “blown up” image of a DNA chromosome in Scientific America or in a science book. It consists of two intertwined strands known as “The Double Helix.”

“Scientific AmeriCA” a favorit magazin of min.

And what’s with the quotes around The Double Helix? Or around blown up for that matter?

We’re just getting started. Let’s continue:

However, what most people do not know is in addition to the two strands – there are an additional 10 etheric strands of DNA – known as “junk DNA” — available to each human which are thought to have been dormant since the beginning of mankind.

Let the screaming begin.

“Junk DNA” is just a label for the parts of the genome for which we don’t currently know the purpose. Yesterday’s “Junk” is tomorrow’s “Oh, this is the part that makes you think Family Circus is funny.”

Junk DNA has nothing to do with… did you catch it… etheric DNA. Which, of course, most people don’t  know about it because… THERE’S NO SUCH THING!

At least the author (and I hate to use that word for the creator of the email I’m dissecting, when it’s been used for creators of better works, like Holocost denial pamphlets) concedes:

I know this sounds far-fetched…

Except he’s mistaken. It doesn’t sound far-fetched. It sound cah-ray-zee!

Okay, the fun is just beginning. Because next we discover:

As Humans We Currently Only Using Less Than 20% Of Our Available DNA.

16.6% to be exact.

No wonder I can never remember where I left my car keys!

When I read this, I wondered,  “Why didn’t you just say 16.6% to begin with?” Well, the answer is that, in the next paragraph, we learn:

It gets worse. Because what “cutting-edge” scientists have recently discovered is we only use a paltry 3% of our active two strand DNA.

Make up your damn mind! Is it <20%, 16.6% or 3%?!

You know, of course, that “cutting-edge” means on the edge of being certified a “cuckoo-cuckoo” whack job and escorted to a rubber room.

“But wait,” you say, “3% of our two-strand DNA. What about when we include the invisible, never-before-seen, ETHERIC DNA from the fictional land of Fictitia?”

I’m glad you ask. And, better, the answer is waiting in the next sentence:

So on a percentage basis, we are really only using 0.5% of our total DNA.

This is my favorite part. Because it’s the only one that makes sense. Oh, not because it’s true, but because the math is correct.

our 2-strand DNA is 1/6th of the total DNA (2 strands + the 10 strands from Unicornville), and “0.5%” is 1/6th of 3%. Phew, at least this proves the email’s writer (and I hate to use that word when it’s used for the generators of better prose, like fetish porn), isn’t prone to silly non-sequiturs, like:

And this means most everyone struggles through life – never living enjoying the abundance they rightfully deserve.

Holy Leaps of Logic, Batman!

Uhh… the connection between the meaningless DNA usage rates and struggling is, ummm… what, again?

And, “deserve”? Don’t even get me started on that (oh, no need, I already ranted about it )

Anyway… let’s take in in for the wallet-clearing landing:

When you use [[Magical Technique Name Withheld]] – you “reactive” your dormant DNA.  And when you reactivate your DNA… you begin “magnetizing” yourself to the abundance… and… you can easily manifest.

I can only hope that what you start magnetizing is an abundance of common sense, critical thinking skills, and the Sharper Image Bullcrap Detector.

If you do, you’ll recognize the screamingly obvious points that:

1. Since there is no such thing as etheric DNA, you can’t “reactive” it (I’ll let the typo slide)
2. REactivated? You mean it used to be active and now is dormant? What happened?
3. There’s no way to demonstrate that said DNA, if it existed, were “reactivated”
4. The only “proof” they could possibly give is the famous “post hoc ergo propter hoc” (a.k.a. There’s a big pile o poo in my front yard, which means there MUST be a pony underneath!”)
5. In this context, “magnetize” “abundance” and “manifest” are meaningless words that, sadly, tap into our innate desire to control our environment in order to ensure our happiness and survival and, therefore, are used by naive (at best) people whose means of “manifesting” is by selling you the “magic manifestation method.”

Perhaps I’m being too hard on the guy… after all, 10 years ago I bought his course (that’s why I got the email), and clearly my etheric DNA has been reactivated. Otherwise, how can you explain my ability to attract stupid emails that inspire blog posts?